AscentDescent
by Mikaceous
Summary: Ivypool's life is great. Until one day, it's not.


For once, Ivypool almost dares to be _happy _. Fernsong is nothing but charming and sweet to her; always respectful of her boundaries, but always ready to be a shoulder to lean on when she needs it. She feels like her paws shoot off sparks of sunshine wherever she steps.

And as if her situation wasn't good enough already, she has an apprentice now, too! A fun apprentice, that brought her on adventures and made her feel young again. Best of all, she brought Ivypool _and _Fernsong on adventures.

Fernsong's pelt prickles as he lapped up the herbs Jayfeather had prepared for them before they set out to find Twigpaw's parents. "Traveling herbs are the worst!"

Ivypool purrs and nudges him toward the entrance. "Hopefully they'll give you enough strength to protect us. That is why you're coming, isn't it?" There was a tease in her mew.

Fernsong looks back at her, whiskers twitching. "I was hoping you'd protect me."

"If you're nice to me, I might," Ivypool purrs.

Twigpaw's passion and determination bleeds through in everything she does. She takes her training much more seriously than Snowbush ever did; while he was eager enough and (usually) polite, Ivypool never meshed with him the same way she does with Twigpaw. The best part is the trust and confidence that Twigpaw places in her; she confides in Ivypool like she's a littermate. Maybe she _is _kin, in a way-her foster mother is Lilyheart, who's mates with Snowbush, and he's both her old apprentice and her mother's brother.

Twigpaw's naivety and her uncertainty in her place in ThunderClan reminds Ivypool so much of her younger self-but more importantly, of her own sister.

This doesn't escape Dovewing's notice, who takes every opportunity to tease Ivypool about it. "You have a miniature me following you around!" she teases one evening as they were sharing tongues, batting Ivypool's ear with her paw.

"I can't help it that certain cats are drawn to me so easily," purrs Ivypool, pushing her right back.

Dovewing _mrrows _with laughter. "Ivypool, every cat you love is like a carbon copy of me. Both Fernsong and Twigpaw are sensitive, kind cats who love you very much. Fernsong just has the added bonus of being a more exciting color than gray."

"Don't flatter yourself." Ivypool swats her tail against Dovewing's side, but her eyes glimmer with amusement.

Yes, things are good now. Great, even. Ivypool finally understands what it's like to feel connected to her Clan. Not only did they not resent her, but several times now cats have gone out of their way to ask their deputy, Squirrelflight, if Ivypool could come on their patrol, and yesterday Thornclaw had pulled her aside to ask for advice about how to resolve an argument he had had with Blossomfall.

She feels valued. More than ever, she understands _why _there are Clans in the first place. Cats are meant to support and love each other. It was a concept she struggled to understand for the longest time, but she gets it, now.

And then Darktail happens.

The remains of ShadowClan drag themselves to the Gathering, and Bramblestar offers to let them stay in ThunderClan, because of course he does. Which Ivypool doesn't have a problem with _in theory _, except that this means that Tigerheart is living in ThunderClan now. A cat which, under no circumstances, Dovewing should be left alone with.

She tries to give her sister the benefit of the doubt, though StarClan knows that's not something she's ever been good at. More than anything, she's terrified that her interference might create another rift between them, like it did when they were apprentices. She can't take that risk again, so she's powerless to do anything as she watches Dovewing and Tigerheart create more and more excuses to go on patrol together, to eat prey together, to share tongues together.

She's not alone this time; Fernsong sticks by her side through thick and thin, always ready with a steady presence and comforting mew when she needs him. And even Twigpaw, for all her inexperience, ends up helping more than she knows, as both a confidant and as a distraction from her gnawing fears.

Until Alderheart has another vision about those SkyClan cats, and for a heartbeat Ivypool wants to rip SkyClan to shreds and beg StarClan to reverse time and make it so that no Clan cat had ever heard of SkyClan. Because Tigerheart and Dovewing want to go on a patrol to find them. together. Off of the Clan territories. Without Ivypool. And she _can't _let that happen.

But her resistance was all for nothing; Twigpaw leaves to find SkyClan on her own, and she couldn't even prevent Tigerheart and Dovewing from having their little travant. They leave together on the patrol to go looking for Twigpaw, pelts brushing too in a manner that is entirely too comfortable for Ivypool's tastes.

Her heart breaks in two when Dovewing delivers the news: Twigpaw is dead.

"This is all my fault!" Ivypool cries out, lashing her tail angrily. "I feel so guilty."

Bramblestar touches her shoulder gently with his nose. "You have nothing to feel guilty about." Though he speaks calmly, his voice stutters, like he's trying to hold back a wail of his own.

Ivypool wails again. "But I do! I was her mentor, and I knew how much she wanted to go and look for SkyClan, but I tried to talk her out of it . . . for stupid reasons, really." She glances at her sister, Dovewing. The gray she-cat avoids eye contact and shifts closer to Tigerheart. She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to. Ivypool hears her, as clearly as if she had yowled into the sky. She's with Tigerheart, now. Not her sister, her _kin, _who's been to the Dark Forest and back for her and needs her now, more than ever.

That night, the Clan sits vigil for Twigpaw. The next day Ivypool can't be bothered to even leave her nest. Squirrelflight excuses her from patrols, and Fernsong spends all of his spare time with her, bringing her fresh kill and moss soaked with water.

"I killed her, Fernsong," she moans, burying her face into his long, soft fur.

"You couldn't have known this would happen," Fernsong murmurs, stroking her tail down her side. "We were all so distracted by holding a vigil for Purdy that none of us noticed Twigpaw was missing. The world's burdens do not rest on your shoulders alone."

"I know, but-" Ivypool breaks off and squeezes her eyes shut. She presses her face harder into his neck, her entire body trembling.

Fernsong murmurs the occasional soft comfort, a soft mumble more than anything coherent. They lay alone in the warrior's den for a long time without saying anything. Ivypool squeezes her eyes shuts and imagines that if she lies here long enough, she could reverse time, and let Twigpaw go find SkyClan the first time, when she had asked. Then she could have gone with her. Then she might still be here today.

"Thank you," she mews at last, sniffing as she pulls her face out of Fernsong's fur. "For this. And for everything."

"I wish I could do more," Fernsong mews, licking Ivypool's forehead.

Ivypool can't hide from her guilt forever, so the next day she leaves the warrior's den with Fernsong padding at her side. Dovewing had barely spoken a pawful of words to her since she had gotten back. That's fine. Right now, Ivypool doesn't want to talk to her, either.

_You will survive this, _she tells herself. _You survived the Dark Forest, and you can survive this. You _will _be okay _.

But oh, StarClan. It's as if her ancestors _want _to prove her wrong.

Twigpaw comes back, alive by some miracle of StarClan, and soon after Darktail is killed, ending his reign of terror over the lake. Ivypool dares to hope that this marks a turning point.

It does. It marks a turning point for the worse.

Twigpaw leaves to go live in SkyClan her with father and sister. Ivypool runs into her while on patrol, but it's not the same. Her heart aches for the bond she had forged with this special cat that had been so easily tossed aside the moment her kin came along.

Fernsong is sympathetic to her losses, but, like all cats, he has his own desires, too.

"Have you thought about what I asked you?" he mews as they stretch out in the sun. They have just come back from their patrols and are relaxing together on the warm rocks as they digest their midday meals.

Ivypool sighs and twitches her tail; she had been putting this conversation off ever since Fernsong brought it up last night. Still, she knows it's not fair to hide from him. "I'm not ready to have kits yet," she admits. Ignoring the flash of disappointment in the yellow tom's eyes, she adds, "Kits mean endless moons in the nursery. Daisy's getting too old to look after another litter, and I want to be out in the forest hunting and patrolling, not stuck in camp all the time."

"Why do you have to be in the nursery with them?" Fernsong asked.

Ivypool sits up. "What do you mean? I have to nurse them, don't I? Who else can do that?"

Fernsong's eyes brighten when he realizes that he has Ivypool's attention. "The nursing is over soon enough. Then you'd be able to go back to your warrior duties."

"And leave our kits to raise themselves until they're six moons old?" Ivypool tries to hide the alarm in her voice. She loves Fernsong, and he's a perfectly intelligent cat, but usually his ideas are less beebrained.

"Of course not!" Fernsong twitches his whiskers. "Once the kits are eating prey, I can move into the nursery. I can move in before that, if you like, so that you can go on patrols between feedings."

Ivypool stares. For a few heartbeats, she's too shocked to speak. "You? But you're a tom! Toms don't live in the nursery."

"Why not?" Fernsong blinks at her affectionately. "Apart from food, all kits need is love and some cat to play with. I can't think of a better way to spend my days."

Ivypool nuzzles Fernsong's ear, touched once again by his compassion and thoughtfulness. "I'll think about it," she murmurs. "Maybe after leaf-bare is over."

And she does think about it. Really, she does! Or she wants to, anyways.

Apprentice-less, she relies on her own kin and Fernsong more than ever. But Dovewing remains cool and distant, and soon she leaves, too. Ivypool is frantic as she searches all over the lake for her, but it's as if she vanished into thin air.

She pads back into camp after scouring the territories for even the faintest scent trail of her sister, without success. When she admits that Dovewing was seen talking to Tigerheart shortly before she disappeared, Lionblaze and Thornclaw share knowing looks. Lionblaze, who until now had helped her search without complaint, edges away from her, padding over to the warriors' den.

They can't really be thinking what she fears they're thinking, right? Ivypool looks at Fernsong, her twitching tail betraying her anxiety. "Do they think she's a traitor?"

Fernsong touches his muzzle to Ivypool's cheek. "Dovewing could never be a traitor. Lionblaze knows that more than anyone. She helped him fight the Dark Forest, remember?"

Ivypool holds back a shudder. "I just hope she's safe."

As soon as she's spoken, StarClan rumbles in disapproval. The cliff walls of the camp groan, and shift, and tumble into the camp.

_Starclan help us! _Ivypool thinks in alarm, as she helps to evacuate the camp.

They escape, but not quick enough.

Snowbush gets hit by a falling rock. Snowbush, her old apprentice. He lives, but only to die later-slowly, in anguish. The two of them had never been particularly close, but Ivypool cared about him all the same. He was her kin too, after all, and if she knows nothing, it's that kin have to stick together.

Except she's lost Twigpaw, who was as good as kin, and Dovewing, and Snowbush. And as if that wasn't enough, Her Clan's camp, the one space that _should _be safe, has a body count. It disabled Briarlight, and killed Longtail, and now Snowbush.

Is nowhere safe anymore? Her web of connectedness is falling about around her. It's as if some invisible StarClan warrior is slicing it to shreds as she watched, hopeless to do anything to stop her.

She can't have kits in a world like this. She can't have kits while _she's _like this. She's barely in a fit enough state of mind to be a warrior. She eyes all of her Clanmates, wondering who will be the next cat to leave her. She starts to pull away and disengage from Clan life. She can't be hurt by the next cat to abandon her if she's not close to them when they leave.

Every sound is a potential enemy, ready to leap out at her from the undergrowth. Her hunting and patrolling skills, which made her so coveted as a friend and Clanmate, diminish as her paranoia skyrockets. Cats stop asking her to join them on their patrols. No cat asks to share prey with her anymore. She wouldn't let them, even if they asked.

Even her own parents are a slippery slope. Poor Whitewing suffers so badly from the belly sickness that ravaged the camp. Ivypool's stomach flip flops every time she sees her mother, once so vibrant and full of life, lying unmoving and limp in her nest. Guilt stabs her like thorns every time Ivypool sees her. If only she had done a better job of looking after her sister, then maybe she could have prevented her from leaving, and her mother wouldn't be so heartbroken and sick now.

Fernsong is the only cat she can trust anymore. He's the only cat who refuses to be pushed away. A part of Ivypool is mad that he's so unshaken by how horrible the state of everything is, but a larger, more sensible part of Ivypool is just glad that he's here, with her.

"What's wrong, Ivypool?" Fernsong asks. He had taken her out on a hunting patrol, just the two of them. The leaves crunch under his paws as he stops walking and stares at Ivypool. He hasn't brought up kits again, and though Ivypool knows he'd never pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to do, guilt still stabs her heart like thorns every time she looks into his loving, green eyes.

"You haven't been yourself in moons," he mews, touching her ear with his ear. "I know you like to have your space, but you know I'm here to talk when you need me."

"Is this about having kits?" Ivypool asks, her tail whipping back and forth.

"Is it?" Fernsong asks, ears flicking forward in surprise. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have brought it up if I knew it was going to upset you this much."

It doesn't upset her. Or rather, it _shouldn't _upset her. Ivypool isn't sure how she feels anymore. She just wants everything to stop. But she can't say that. So instead she hangs her head and admits, "I'm pregnant."

A purr erupts out of Fernsong's chest as he steps forward and rubs his face against hers. "That's amazing, Ivypool! I'm so happy." He nuzzles her ears. "Our kits will be the most loved out of all of the kits in the Clans."

Ivypool shakes her head and steps back. Her gut twists on itself when she sees how bright and cheerful Fernsong is. "No," she rasps. Her legs tremble and for a heartbeat she fears that she might fall over. She takes a deep breath and wills herself to remain standing.

"No?" Fernsong echoes, eyes darkening with concern. "Is everything alright? Are the kits okay?" He gasps, and his tail fluffs out in alarm. "Are _you _okay? Are they hurting you?"

"I can't do this, Fernsong," Ivypool growls, and she doesn't mean to keep talking, but the words keep pouring out of her mouth, like a river overflowing after a storm. "First Twigpaw, then Dovewing, and now Snowbush? Every cat I know is being ripped from me. My life is falling apart! No matter how hard I try, everything turns out horribly. And kits! Kits are the opposite problem. I _want _to have kits! I'd love to have your kits, and being pregnant with your kits should make me the happiest cat in the world. But with everything else that's going on? How can I be certain of _anything, _when cats I thought I could trust keep disappearing from my life? I can't do this. It's too much."

She stares at the ground as she finishes, unsure of what to do or if she had crossed some sort of line in her outburst. But Fernsong presses his body against hers and wraps his tail around her comfortingly. "I'm here for you, Ivypool. ThunderClan is here for you. I know this has been a scary season for you, but please, never forget that you are safe and loved here. You always will be."

Looking into Fernsong's eyes, Ivypool wonders how the loving look he's giving her says so, so much more than his words ever could, no matter how sweet they might be. "You promise you'll stay? I need you now. Not just as a friend, but as family. After all of this, I can't lose you, too."

Fernsong purrs. "I promise. I'll stay for as long as you'll have me."

"For forever?"

Fernsong laughs and licks her forehead. "For forever, if that's what you want.

For just a heartbeat, the restless paranoia in Ivypool's head quiets. She sighs, and leans against her mate, breathing in his calm, comforting scent. Fernsong can't fix her. She knows that. She'd claw his ears off if he tried. But Fernsong is nice, and kind, and most importantly, _here _. And for now, maybe that's enough."That's what I want. I'm sure of it."

"Are you sure? You just said you can't be sure of anything."

Ivypool shakes her head. "I'm certain." Fernsong's fur is warm and, Ivypool thinks as she presses against him, steady and present.

Fernsong purrs so loudly that Ivypool can feel the vibrations echoing through her body. "For forever, then."

Ivypool is not in a steady place of mind. Her world isn't a good world to bring kits into. But Fernsong's is. And maybe, someday, Fernsong's world can be her world, too.


End file.
